Haha! Made it go. Finally.
.NET Runtime Optimization Service v2.0.50727_X86
.NET Runtime Optimization Service v2.0.50727_X64
For as long as I can remember, I've disabled these services. If I want the optimizer to kick off I'll manually enable the service.
This morning, on a hunch, I set the services to manual and started them. RU5 completed sucessfully.